Honorary Life Members
The following are people who have been awarded with Honorary Life Membership of the Society for their contributions towards making DUAS one of the most popular and infamous student societies in Durham and one of the most efficient, yet entirely non-lethal, fighting forces on the planet.
Below is a collection of the many, varied thoughts and images of our very own dear Tamlan – Vice President ’97-’98, paranoid nutter and general psychopath.
Contrary to popular belief, or possibly urban myth, these are not Tamlan’s elbows at all. It can now be exclusively revealed that they are indeed some yams.
“Does that make me Prince Nipple, then?”
“…I thought that Nick’s comments were fair and exactly the kind of constructive criticism we were looking for. I especially agreed with the part where he said ‘please remove my intestines with a wooden mallet set afire’ I think we should listen to him.”
“I like death. In other people, that is.”
“Mess with the big D and you’re all going home. In a Rah-shaped body bag.”
“I remember when breasts were firm and practically conical. Those were the days.”
Mr. Martin J. “Spaniel” Rowe – known to some as the God of Llamas – was our President and illustrious leader in ’97-’98.
His was the twisted mind that spawned AORTA.
He also gave us his PANTS. Or something.
This puppy is looking for a new home. Can you help him?
“No, I’ve retired now and am content to sit in the corner in a rocking chair flatulating quietly to myself…”
“Gentlemen, constructive comments only please. This is a matter of life or death, man! And yes, I did say ‘titwank’. I could demonstrate if you wish, but, errr…. I won’t.”
“….aside from excursions into Hild Bede for killing porpoises, I’ve had no reason to visit North Durham.”
“You can’t sacrifice a god, fool! Unless you’re in Greek myth. In which case I’ll go and turn into a shower of gold in order to have sex with some woman…”
The Immortal King Strato joined the society in January 1998. Between then and his premature departure from the university in 1999, he racked up an impressive 57 kills, with only one death, which was later avenged in “The Gilesgate shoot-out” (bad luck Trev).
He served the society for a whole year (yes, a full 12 months) as treasurer, and helped to select the following years exec (no corruption in this society).
Famous for having the biggest armoury in the society (although he DIDN’T own a Kahoona), it still lives in his attic, and consists of a total of 32 guns, one knife, and of course the mighty cleaver of doom. His mighty Marksman (Lara) was retired after a total of 30 kills, the first oof which was Trev (in the Gilesgate Shoot out), and the final of which was Chopper Central in some coup or other.
Despite all this dedication to the society, he will probably be best remembered for being the twat who was involved in the post-a-thon to the news group which managed to post 300 messages in 45 mins, all based on his sig “Elephants? What Elephants???”
“Yes, that’s why I have eyes!”
Dave “Taff” Lewis
Once upon a time Execs were real Execs. The President was really presidential, being a strategically shaved ape (see Martin Rowe), manipulated by his scheming poisonous dwarf of a VP (see Tamlan Dipper), and the Finch Operator really operated the damn finches.
Owner/guardian of the ‘stupendous rat’ (never actually seen by mortal man). Taff was the salt of the society archetype – the not-so-effective good-humoured stalwart. He may not have been the perfect man to do a hostile entry on a barricaded corridor, but he’d be there if you asked him, and be ready to stay up until the wee hours on a stakeout in the freezing rain if necessary. One never knew if his surreal anecdotes were the result of disconnection or a deeper connection to the Truth of Things. Undemonstrative about his love for the society if was nevertheless evident in his tireless work for it. Unless that was just the vodka.
If anyone ever kills Mickey Mouse I would lay money on it being him.
Ah yes, the amazing Dunc. Dunc was Treasurer of our fair society in 1999 to 2000 and achieved just fame for hoarding as much money as possible, scaring away anyone that wanted to spend any with a manic grin and an evil stare. He had the presence of mind, however, to ensure the money did get blown on some amazing socials. But what of the man?
Dunc trained for many years to become an assassin. His skill in camouflage are particularly impressive; some of his many disguises include a lampost, a rake, and one of the chains that hold Dunelm from the river. However, his disguises were sometimes foiled by his clutching of a Beast, a terrifying weapon which Steph used to sleep on top of.
Dunc is rightly famous for his ability to continue in battle for extreme periods, stretching to many weeks. He manages this by having a unique physiology, designed to run exclusively on caffeine and sugar. There are some drawbacks to this system, however, as it leads him to make the odd manic charge.
Dunc was er, not (honest), one of the team that stormed Cambridge in 1999, rightly butchering many of Cambridge’s top assassins. His looming frame still haunts the dreams of the infamous Dead Anderson, who he killed, as did everyone else in the raiding team, and a couple of the Cambridge assassins managed it too. He valiantly lead the charge to extract five of Durham’s top agents when a raid went slightly wrong, and has a justly deserved reputation as a good man to have beside you in a crisis.
Dunc now spends his time training for future missions, and attempting to genetically engineer a creature that could stop the Dipper if he ever became disloyal. So far he’s got a 9 foot dinosaur/gerbil hybrid, but he freely admits it needs more work.
If there were two schools of assassins would Mr Knighton and Mr Dipper would be the respective heads of each. Whilst +++tamlann+++ strived to strike fear and unbearable paranoia into the hearts of everyone he trifled with Andy brought fun and ecitment into the last few moments of his victims.
It was Andy who first conceived of the Organisation whose name cannot be mentioned – and in his original scheme the whole thing was so they could go and have a good pissup in Oxford. Andy was noted for his interesting assassination garb and his prowess in bar crawls.
No Biog yet.
Mr Peter Younger will forever be remembered for his raids in a not-so-subtle assassins t-shirt. With his beard and ponytail, Peter was a very cuddly exec member. He was also the co-inspiration for the assassins kebab guide to Durham and designer of the infamous society crest.
Steph was initially suspected of being a quiet type on turning up at the freshers fair stall. This impression was dispelled by going on bar crawls in a catsuit. Although responsible for organising the society’s social life for several years, she was in no way fluffy, indeed she was a member of the elite squad that did not exist and never went to Oxford or Cambridge and kicked substantial amounts of ass.
Steph is, and probably will always be, the most lustest after member of the assassins. It is an unusual (or possibly just dishonest!) man who can say that he did not fancy her even “just a little bit” during the 3 years she graced Durham with her presence. The tributes that this girl received from her fans were extreme to say the least: ranging from the entire society serenading her, to the illustrious “Steph-saver” – a wonderful variation on a screen saver which prompted many members to leave their computers idle for hours as images of the lovely red-haired lass (dressed in various kinky outfits!) scrolled across their screens. Many of her generation are still in therapy having completely failed to get over her. It would not be fair however to imply that the only thing Steph had to offer the society was her cleavage. She also demonstrated motivation, organisational skills and a love of partying – 3 great qualities in a social sec! It is fair to say that the society would not be as successful or popular as it is today without her.
Otherwise known as Gandalf. Never on the execs side when it came to a coup!
Stereotyped as incompetant, but actually very good president. Second in the spaniel line.
Big Trev, cuddly cigar smoker with a fear of cameras. Attended the successful Cambridge raid (which did not, I repeat did not, happen) and came home with “Trev’s Plank” – a former piece of Cambridge fence.
There are some assassins who are revered for their social qualities. While Gareth certainly possesses these in abundance, he is primarily that most rare of things – a damn good assassin. Trained in rock-climbing, tae qwon do, salsa-dancing, and close-harmony singing, Gareth represents the ideal Osnaz killer.
His OVP personnel file of 1999 described him in part as ‘engagingly psychotic’. He is also credited with having shot Ed “Deadboy” Anderson, but then who hasn’t?
Had a dirty mac.
Tom Calver’s career as an Assassin started about a year before he became a student. In fact, it started the evening he arrived for interview and met Andy Knighton and the famous Tamlan Dipper. Being young and impressionable, he immediately thought that he too must join this elite band (oh sweet irony!).
In accordance with this, on arrival in Durham he joined the society. After a surreal encounter with a short, black-gloved man, he was groomed for success by the famous Tamlan (Grandad, how did you get so bald?). He served first under the Asher administration (98-99) as Finch operator, and then under the later regime of Jess Wardman (00-01), in the same post. He signed contracts for the later model Finch, before abandoning the contractors after an unfortunate maintenance incident (cf report in society archive).
Tom Calver had a voice that radio presenters would die for, unfortunately it was always somebody else who ended up a
Jess proved herself a ruthless killing machine. After an extended session in labs Jess decided late on in her university career (she was in 3rd yr at the time) to become an assassin. She entered the game with a bang, getting up ridiculously early in order to make the first kill. Infact I spotted her coming back from the first kill at 1:00 am; a mere 30 minutes after the first targets of the game had been posted.
Sadly victory did not come to Jess in that game but she managed to win a later game. After this show of prowess it was then somewhat confusing that she managed to be elected president (a position closely associated with something that sounds a bit like hopper). Her reign as president was a glorious one and she even managed to put down a coup **mutter mutter swine mutter mutter**.
Vice president who once had his legs waxed on a society bar crawl and did not even flinch. Scary.
Games Warden and VP, wrote the Assassins Kebab Guide to Durham and in later years regaled tales of the olden days to the societies youngsters. Also, attended the successful-Cambridge-raid-which-never-happened, and took “Trev’s plank” back to Somerset. The fuffyest VP ever.
No Biog yet.
Jen Curtis joined the Assassins Society in January 2000, on the advice of “Daddy” Nick Bradbeer, her college Godfather. She then proceeded to win the Game, not realising that it was supposed to take a few terms to achieve that, and also won the award for the Most Kills that term (10 In Game). Such dedication to psychopathy won her the attention of the Oznaz team, with whom she trained for several weeks before their raid on Cambridge was cancelled due to lack of accommodation. This left a deep impression on the young Jen, whose hobbies at the time included sniping from her window overlooking Kingsgate Bridge and attempting to teach her roommate to keep their door locked. On Valentines� 2000 she met her boyfriend Owen Lewis when he came to kill her cunningly disguised as a DUCK Rep delivering her a rose and she lightsabered him to death. They went on to become Durham�s Deadliest Couple ™, only breaking up after Jen graduated in 2002.
In the 2000 elections Jen Curtis stood for Vice-President of the Assassins, but stood down in the face of a better candidate. She committed suicide on the first day of the Game and won Best Inquisitor and the Knifeman Award instead, also gaining the most kills as an Inquisitor later that year. Realising her mistake, Jen stood for President in 2001 and got in by more votes than assassins present at the election, on a manifesto of T-shirts, Death and Drinkage. She immediately had to sort out the Lord Mountbatten Ball along with the rest of the new Exec, but finally managed to salvage it and a good time was had by all, including several old members who came back for it. The Game was run successfully and several memorable socials occurred, including the Presidents’ Birthday in which the “how many assassins can you get in a college room” limit was proven to be 29 + standing room in the corridor. There were also more killing-related events such as Hunt the President and several Inquisition raids so that Jen could use her Grand Inquisitor title as an excuse to play with the society’s new Wildfires.
In 2002 Jen left Durham (final total 36 Kills excluding weekend games) to study for a Masters in Wing’d Monkeys at Cambridge, where she remembered her days in Oznaz and found that she was now in possession of a house in central Cambridge large enough to fit an entire team of assassins into. She spent the next 6 months collecting information, photographs and college kit from her position as “incompetent-yet-keen Flymypretties” inside the Cambridge Assassins Guild and invited the Oznaz team down in February 2003, where she successfully betrayed her new boyfriend, Cambridge Umpire Matt Johnson, and also captured the Cambridge Guilds� major weapon (a rubber-band Gatling gun). Sadly, the rest of the team were then slaughtered with extreme prejudice and Jen herself executed for High Treason before a firing squad of CPS water pistols in Jesus College, although she was posthumously awarded the Cambridge Assassins Guild Brutus Award for Best Betrayal (and others). So ended a glorious career, but she’ll live on whenever people gather in black coats and sunglasses to drink Beasts and shoot Wildfires at each other.
David (Gimby) James
No Biog yet.
No Biog yet.
No Biog yet.
No Biog yet.
No Biog yet.
No Biog yet.
Tim (Fudge) Packer
(culled from Diplomatic Corps files, 2000)
“…Warthog [Tim Packer] has the dubious distinction of being Durham’s very first mole. Reports from within Oxford suggest he rather fancies their president, and has been trading Durham information to curry favour [Source: agents Citadel and Smokingman]. Primary action advised is management by XXX committee for strategic deception. Secondary action advised is tribunal followed by summary execution by firing squad.”
Despite this Tim received an HLM.
Maurice Tucker was head of Geology when a fellow HLM arrived at Durham. During the first year field trip Professor Tucker consumed vast quantities of alcohol and subsequently spent the next day’s field trip incredibly hung over (and possibly still inibriated). Once actually getting to the top of the hill, around ten minutes later than even the unfit asthmatics, he proceeded to lie down on the grass and speak very loudly into his mobile phone, telling someone how drunk he got. This singled him out as an ideal candidate for staff treasurer of the society.